Dream Catcher

Dream Catcher Part 1

 dream catcher noun:1) a person who carries their dreams in their back pocket until they can live them

2) person or thing that holds or blocks others dreams until proper time 

How to be your own Dream Catcher

As I kid, all I ever wanted to be was a musician. My mind is a music sundae of TV jingles and top 40 hits from the eighties, smothered in a 5 year punk rock dream, dripping with alternative/indie sauce, candy coated in 70's rock and Texas County, and sprinkled with popfolk. I do not remember birthdays or my anniversary, and I would be lucky to know what day it is...but throw me a music line and I will sing you the song.

I started piano early, but could play by ear so I was a horrible student. I think all my instructors kept me and tolerated my lack of theory progression because they knew how much I played, just not practiced. This worked out great for me because I started writing my own music about the same time. 98 percent of it sucked. 

I played Stairway to Heaven on the guitar during mass in middle school (don't judge). It was awesome, really. In the Miss Teen Kansas City Pageant I made it to the top 10. The final question was... Who is your idol and why? 9 out of 10 girls said their mother. I said Jimmy Paige, the guitarist for Led Zeppelin, because he was (like) the greatest guitarist of all time!(oh yeah). I did not win...I did however get second runner up. (giggle) 
It was sort of like that Miss Congeniality moment where I should have said world peace.

I started an all girls band in 8th grade called the Blue Daisys. We were horrible and lasted 3 practices while being taunted mercilessly by the neighbor boys...They know who they are.

I spent high school lunch in the commons playing Tori Amos on the piano (sorry) and I was also the annoying girl with a guitar and a cigarette on the walkway banging out gawd-awful covers of 90's grunge music. It's amazing I had any friends at all.

I even played in a punk band with the very boys who made fun of me and my girl band phase for a short time. They got good and I got pregnant...(that will be covered later). 

My point is that as a kid I wanted to be a musician. Hell, as an adult I want to be a musician. I just understand why I'm not now. I am officially living in the realm of Dream Catcher. Some of you may be living there to, and for that I am truly sorry. For most of us we will have to live here for a long time, maybe forever. Let me tell you how I got here. 

At seventeen, after a series of positive home-pregnancy tests I was told by a nurse at the Planned Parenthood Clinic in Gladstone, Missouri that I was going to be a mom. Cue face of disbelief....and end of my childhood.

I was suddenly in a very precarious situation. I was never on some fast track to Harvard and my extra curricular activities included working at a tanning salon, driving the beercart on weekends at Windbrook Country Club, playing shitty guitar and smoking cigarettes out in the woods by my house. In no way was I ready to become a reasonably responsible adult/provider. I wanted to be....(remember from up top) a musician.

So I did what every human does when they are faced with a decision that they dread...I avoided it. 

For a month or so I pretended everything was normal. I quit smoking so one of my girl friends made the connection pretty quick, but other than that life went on like before. I also quit eating Almond Joys for breakfast, but seriously, I just acted like no, I hadn't just skipped class last Tuesday and found out I was going to be possibly the least qualified parent in history. 

Then two things happened.

First, I was at school and had to pee again for like the millionth time that day so I made a b-line for the usually under-trafficked lunchroom bathroom post dining hours. There to my surprise was a girl who I had known since 4th grade summer crying her eyes out by the mirror. I actually tried to ignore her for a bit while I did my business but, since we had known each other for like 7 years I felt obligated to ask her what was wrong. Let's just say she ran with the "IN" crowd and me...well, not so much, so how could I possible help, right?

"I just had an abortion", she said.

Now what the hell life. Seriously. Like I didn't have enough shit on my plate they toss me Poppy McPopular and her "woe is me" schtick! Why was she even at school? Maybe I should just pretend I didn't hear her. I was not going to fall for it...but I ended up sitting on the dirty ass bathroom floor with her while she cried and I told her she wasn't an evil person and that I wouldn't tell anyone, ever. 

This is the kicker, the whole time I was telling her that it was going to be ok. That life would move on. That she wasn't a bad person. I think I was listening. Holy shit, it really wasn't the end of the world. Nine months maybe, but I knew for sure I didn't want to be like her, crying with remorse or regret, or whatever. I don't know if everyone feels that way, but I knew I would. I actually saw this girl at a shopping district in Kansas recently but she didn't recognize me or maybe didn't want to.

Second, I got dumped. Now normally this is a bad thing, but for me it forced me to face the reality of my situation. 17, alone, pregnant, and not a musician. Who would want to see me doing my singer/songwriter act with a belly the size of Montana? Could I even pay bills as a musician? How do musicians make money anyways?  Does it provide insurance? Babies need insurance, right? 

That was about the time I grew up. The day I made a decision to act for another before myself. So... I took a job at a daycare to learn about kids. Yep, a daycare.

(there is so much more to this story but I will save it for another blog)

I became my own Dream Catcher. I took that idea and vision of who I wanted to become and stuck it in my back pocket for a rainy day. I totally pull it out every once in a while when I have the opportunity to live in the moment....I hit up the occasional open mic night and singer song writer scene...I have a duet going with the hubs and we play out in town whenever a sitter can be found and the energy produced. I sing a mean karaoke version of the Darkness' song "I Believe in a thing called Love" that include both accent and dance moves, and I still write songs every now and again on the guitar and piano. 

My point is that maybe someday I will be living the dream of my 17 year old self...playing gigs in empty divebars, driving across the country in some shitty-ass van, smoking cigarettes and probably by now talking about my glory days....oh wait. So maybe my dream has evolved. Maybe, just like me it got a bit better with time. Maybe my 17 year old self likes that I used her passion and heart and threw them into other aspects of my life.

I can never catch time, get it back, or stop it... But I don't think that means I should let it get the best of me. We all get a very precious and limited amount.... Sometimes I think those crazy dreams we have about ourselves is what fuels our ability to maybe wrangle time and slow it down and enjoy it. So I will continue to be my own Dream Catcher....I'm only 34..... And I totally think it would be awesome to sail around the world... Maybe hitchhike South America... Or learn to fly... And I have always wanted to.......