Too Much of a Good Thing

Too Much of a Good Thing

It's not that I don't love playing music live... I do. Probably the best high an artist can have is the immediate and intense gratification of a crowd who is actually enjoying and listening to your music. We put our whole hearts into it, I swear. And who knows if anyone is taking me/us/you seriously....seriously. 

So I am going to be honest about what I think and have thought for a long time about being a musician. 

I started playing an instrument at 7. That is the same time I started writing music and lyrics. They were about trees...and cats, and all the other things a first grader would write about. I had a lyric book diary and an illustrated version as well. These are most likely with the rest of my childhood crap in my mom's storage barn.

I started making album art by 9. (for my actual super lame 9 year old tapes).

I was in my first "band" by 13.

Played my first "gig" by 15.

Played my first open mic at 17. 

*procreated a bunch

Played my first solo show at 28.

Played in first duo at 29 (The West).

Played first actual paying gig at 32.

Went to record first album but never followed through because (see below)

changed duo name to Violent Bear because these guys were already super popular

http://bandthewest.com/

* more procreating
Submitted music catalogue and was rejected repeatedly (like shit tons) by publishing companies.

Made new album at 36.

Started playing live to support said album.

Ok we have made it to present day!!!

For those of you still reading....here are some dancing cat people.

Recently playing shows has been a bit....not really disappointing, but sort of disenchanting.(that is a word right?)

I have seriously played with some of the best, most dynamic, most interesting, and intensely fun bands I have ever heard. That is a luxury every musician craves. It has been a huge fill to my personal well that had honestly been running a bit dry as of late. I am the ultimate fan kid and am not even kind of embarrassed about it (I lOVE merch and will buy your album!). But here is the thing...

Playing out is a bunch of work. Promoting is a bunch of work. Setting up and breaking down? Work....and it has always been the kind of work I love. I mean it. I love making flyers and merch. It is just another avenue that I can travel down as an artist....and we have always sort of called playing out our "date nights". That is kind of cool too. 

But recently it has just been too much of a good thing. Maybe I am going about it wrong or maybe I am just kind of old and not wanting to just do music just for fun....but honestly, and that is the thing about my blog is that I try to keep it honest.....Honestly, it has been a major blow to my creative self to try to share my music  when I am not sure there is a market for it. 

So here is the thing...I think we over played...and either under or over valued our music...I am not sure. Kansas City is a market saturated with amazing musicians.... every night of the week you can walk into a venue and it can be magical. I mean it. And every single one of those acts whether a full band or a solo and everything in-between just wants to share their art. 

But at what cost? 
And here is the ugly side of it, it costs money to make an album. Equipment and repair and maintenance....merch, hard copies, websites, time and energy, promotion....and I truly believe every one of us goes into it excited and guns a'blazing...and we love to play. We aren't in it for the money. I LOVE TO PLAY! And even though I am in my core an artist...well, I don't want to work for free or...in the red.

I need a break. 
When my lifeblood is "lovingly" referred to as an "expensive hobby" I need a break.
When I quit knowing how to get people into the door, I need a break.
When I forget why I have been doing this for so long...break.

I have always been a multi-tasker. I have a million kids and house and husband and dogs and schools  and work and blah blah blah. So music for me has always had to fit into that. But, for now, I am giving it a back seat. Taking the summer off and getting a fresh perspective. 

I never want to stop loving music and I never want to quit making it. But maybe right now I am part of the problem. Who knows, it's my blog and I cry if I want to....heheheehehehehe.....not actually crying.

Making Eye Contact

Making Eye Contact

The other day Piper and I were out to celebrate her birthday. On her actual birthday she got to hang out at Knuckleheads and listen to Aaron Lee Tasjan and Bonnie Whitmore play an amazing set,

chill with her newly "adopted" godmother Sarah and family, grab an inappropriate shirt, 

and be gifted a CD from the lovely Bonnie. This was a pretty solid night for sure and she really didn't expect anything else, but I figured we could go out for a day of bonding that weekend as that seemed to be the thing to do.

We had begun the drive home after lunch and such and were passing over the Broadway Bridge when we hit a stop light. Right beside our car was a homeless man...young, maybe 20-25 with a sign that read "cold and hungry". I didn't have any cash on me but piper had already (unprompted) started digging into her wallet and came up with 5 ones. I told her I would pay her back when we got home. As I handed him the cash and he said "thanks" we made direct eye contact and he half smiled and nodded. The light turned green and he stood back up and waved to us both again looking me right in the eye.

I got kind of teary and started clearing my throat and Piper asked me what was wrong. It took me a while to get my emotions under control enough to talk but I finally said..."thanks Piper....that was a good thing".

Then I kind of got long winded, though to her credit she didn't interrupt me a single time... and I will paraphrase here but this is what I said to her...

"Every man and woman on the side of the road holding a sign came into this world just like you and I...no more or less important...just human. Maybe when they were born they were wanted and maybe they weren't but they came just the same. 
There is a really high chance that that young man just aged out of foster care and had no where to go. 
There is a high chance that that young man lost his job and fell down on his luck and has no home. 
There is a high chance that that young man is a vet and served our country and no longer has benefits or job placement or the support he needs to merge back into American society. There is a high chance that that young man has a mental disability, that he wandered away from those who love him or never had anyone to help him. 
There is a high chance that that young man had an addiction to something that took his life away from but left him living. 
There is a high chance that that young man has a family and he is doing the best he can.
There is a high chance that that young man was a kid just like her but ran away from home because he was neglected or abused....We don't know his story.

This is what I do know about him. He is human. He gets hungry. He gets cold. He gets lonely. And on Sunday afternoon, all by himself he was holding a sign because he needed help. 

He is just like us.

Eye contact shows him we know it. Eye contact shows him that we treat him with dignity, that our connection is intentional and real.  Eye contact makes us both human. 
We can't help everyone. But we can can always help someone and we can always, always look them in the eye.

She then said " Some people say he is just going to buy beer or drugs, but I don't think he will"....

I was actually caught off guard by this and didn't really have an answer then I said, "do you care or do you just hope that a few bucks will grant him some relief?"

And Piper, nodded, kind of crying but trying to pretend she wasn't said, "I just hope it helps a little."
I learned a lot about what a cool kid I had in that few minutes. I was reminded acutely about the true disparity that exists...hidden from my day to day life. 
Reminded about how sheltered I had become again. Then in true suburban kid form asked " Are we still running by Target?"
This was funny to me because at the end of the day it  showed me that I have it really good...that I have a pretty special kid...and that's ok. It's ok to be in a good place.

Peace

That Being Said

So yeah, it's a new year. I am no different than most when I say I too have grand ideas to better myself, my life, and my surroundings. I also want to look 10 years younger, eat all the peanut butter I want without gaining weight, and have our soon to be released debut album get written up in Pitchfork (I would take shitty or positive reviews as I am not picky). All of those are probably not in my stars but I do think this will be the year I clean up my act.

Now before I get called out for being a hypocrite and all and people start coming out of the woodwork yelling back at me my favorite saying "no one likes a quitter, Tammy"....let me just say I am not going all straight edge or whatever.... I won't suck the joy out of your party (anymore than I already do), and I will still most likely insist that my neighbors are wrong and I can play music as loud as I want when ever I want...(just not past midnight as that is the rule here)....but man, I am tired. Literally...and in every sense of the word. Mind, heart, body....all those guys. And I think I finally realize I have done it to myself.

I think a couple years back I had gotten pretty secure in who I was as a person, what I represented, maybe what I stood for. I am not really a fighter but I think I have some fight in me and even was delusional enough to believe I had enough conviction to be my true self. Now I don't even know what that means. I was maybe a bit judgmental for all the wrong reasons and not scrupulous enough in my own stance to really be very reliable in my personal convictions.

Ok that was wordy as fuck but what I am trying to say is maybe it is time I actually became truly accountable for my speech, my thoughts, and my actions. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I have been throwing my middle finger up at the man for years...Truth is, I AM the MAN. I married an engineer for pete's sake...I live in the burbs. I drive an SUV. I use night creme!!!!!! That doesn't mean I can't be authentic, it means that by fighting this lifestyle I haven't actually been authentic. Do I have to give up cussing...probably not, but then again I shouldn't get blitzed at a post funeral meal and drop the F-bomb on unsuspecting long distance family members.... no I wasn't being mean or hateful...just a jackass.

And maybe 

isn't always the best action.....
What I am saying is that maybe now is just the time I have been waiting my whole life for. ...
Maybe I am finally ready to really look at who I am and what I can do....and do it. So yes this is a completely pointless post but as I am starting to tackle this blog again, thought i would give it a new beginning!
So again...welcome back and please join me while I am Anchored in Roam.