Let Me Pepper Your Heart
So for the last week or so I had been working quite diligently on a post about the top 10 foods in my home and why...Ranking them for calories, nutrition, quality, taste, and price. This was coming along swimmingly until I became annoyed. Last night I almost completely shut down my blog site all together. I don't want to be a snarky writer. I don't want to pretend I have any fucking clue on how to cook or shop or what to buy. I am not a nutritionist. Quite frankly, I don't actually give two shits about that kind of thing. I have a method, I have recipes, I like to cook....It works, but I don't think anyone really wants to here about a thousand and one uses of a target red card and how grass fed beef is better than grain fed beef when it comes to taste and texture...if you do then check out the food babe as she is both snarky and annoying and as under-qualified as I am to discuss food and so forth and so on.
So instead I am going to talk about what I have been thinking about for a long time now.
DIVORCE. (don't cringe in horror!!!)
Not mine, geesh (wipes brow)...but in general.
I have more housework daily than just about anyone I know. This is not in any way a brag or whine, but a statement and fact. I clean more hours of the day than is healthy and so even with babies in tow, who think cleaning is a game, I have a lot of time to think. Now 100 percent of the time if a subject is giving me a particular hassle, I will text the hubs. And to his credit, he will follow up with me with within the hour...which really is impressive considering his schedule. 50 percent of the time if I need further advice I will call my father who 90 percent of the time has good feedback that I use about 75 percent of the time. 10 percent of the time his advice is pure rubbish, but I consider this favorable odds.
I decided to work through this one on my own.
I have more housework daily than just about anyone I know. This is not in any way a brag or whine, but a statement and fact. I clean more hours of the day than is healthy and so even with babies in tow, who think cleaning is a game, I have a lot of time to think. Now 100 percent of the time if a subject is giving me a particular hassle, I will text the hubs. And to his credit, he will follow up with me with within the hour...which really is impressive considering his schedule. 50 percent of the time if I need further advice I will call my father who 90 percent of the time has good feedback that I use about 75 percent of the time. 10 percent of the time his advice is pure rubbish, but I consider this favorable odds.
I decided to work through this one on my own.
DISCLAIMER>>>
this is my blog and so I get to write about what ever I want how ever I want. But I promise that under no circumstance, will I write about anything other than my thoughts on a subject...I am not a counselor or therapist...I don't like them either.
I have my kids and I have my kids friends and I also even have some friends of my very own. (weird)...this subject has been slammed home for a lot of people in my life recently. It has stirred the pot in my soul a bunch...for so many obvious reasons.
My parents were divorced, I have been divorced...twice!...my grandparents were divorced...my ex's parents were divorced...several times.
So to say I have a bit of experience on the subject is at least a little fair.
Here is my first go at the fancy and terrifying word DIVORCE.
I grew up the first 12 years, 11 months and 24 days of my life with married parents. My life was ideal and bla bla bla bla bla....fast forward to the meat of this.
It was my brother's birthday and I had just played in a winning softball game. My dad and I had just arrived home and my mother and brother were literally waiting on the front porch to see how I had done...there were no cell phones then.
My dad stated in a matter of fact tone that he wanted a divorce. My mother had no clue.
My mother was and still is one of the most saintly of people. She sees the best in everybody. She turns the other cheek over and over again. It is both beautiful and frustrating. I have never again seen anyone so caught off guard.....
Now before I continue with this story I would like to state that both of my parents are happily remarried and in love...and well matched. There was a happy ending, but that in no way could prevent or undo the tragedy of the circumstance....carry on...
As a tween soon to be teen this rocked my fucking boat. I remember my mouth drying up. I remember that I still had dust all over the front of my jersey and I was holding a coke can. I remember starting to sweat and then my mind shut down...and I did what half of every animal does when faced with a fight or flight scenario....I RAN.
I ran like I had never before or since ran....I ran through the pain of running in cleats on pavement, into blisters, into numbness....I ran until the disbelief wore off and the tears started to come...and when my dad found me and told me to climb into the car, I thought, and maybe even said.
...
"I hate you".
I didn't mean it in my core, but I meant it in the way that traversed hate into betrayal.
I felt betrayed.
But no 12 year old says ..."you betrayed me"...
Well, maybe some do, but I had never felt hate or betrayal before. What I did know is that it hurt. My guts hurt. My breath hurt and my lungs felt deflated. I panted trying to catch a real breath...trying to form thoughts into words...real words, pleading words...
I wanted to speak the right words to fix it...or travel back in time and undo it...really, what ever it took.
So is the mind of any child living in a happy home and watching everything they ever knew dissolve into a milky unknown....with unpredictability, the fog-covered paths that take them forward into uncertainty.
I also grew. I grew a tough outer shell. I grew a strong personal code. I grew a sharp tongue.
I cannot speak for the others that were involved in this situation. I have siblings and they all dealt with this in their own way. And I am certain that each and every one of us grieved and mourned and moved forward. That is what kids do. But I was never fooled. I knew that behind smiles and passive aggressive taunts that siblings share, we all carried a very real hole in our tiny hearts that had been peppered too hot. We had all been burned.
As I grew older, I started to let things go and I realized one very important thing.
Divorce is sort of a blameless crime...seriously. What it is is a practice in accountability.
Kids never ever want to hear that "your mom did this...bla bla bla"...or "if only your dad bla bla bla"...
Strangely, I don't think kids even want to hear "it's not your fault"...at least I never did.
I wanted to hear "I will do everything in my power to make sure this goes as smoothly as possible for you".
Ahh life, I think I block out the next 2 years because they blew. Seriously. They blew hard. And I acted out. I spent a couple rides in a cop car. I broke some shit and snuck out and did all the things that angry misunderstood kids do when they have no idea what to do next. My path was indeed foggy and on steady decline as it were. I made two very large mistakes that could have taken me down all together and escaped by the skin of my teeth. Those 2 things I will never blog about.
But then suddenly I started to realize something quite mature for a 15 year old. At least I think it was quite mature.
I realized that love...maybe it didn't last forever for everyone. I realized that just like me, my mom and dad deserved happiness. Even if it wasn't together.
I also had the realization that leaving and being left were both equally tough when you wanted what was best for your family.
Because guilt is carried on the shoulders of every divorced parent. I know, as I speak from experience.
Fast forward into my own series of bad relationships and shitty endings. I have had to hold my tongue many many times when talking to my children about divorce. I would be lying if it hadn't crossed my mind to throw my ex under the bus. To do what I could to justify my own shortcomings by bringing him down...
I sort of feel like I am sending out that vibe sometimes to my children and I am disappointed in myself and know I am acting this way because I want (selfishly) for them to identify with me more...to have more in common with me.
Lame.
What I am getting at here is divorce sucks big. Sure it is hard on the parents...but whatever, we are grown ass peoples. We usually understand that we have incorrectly married and maybe even mated. God forbid we possibly ever cared or even loved the person that may have left or been left. Tap into that.
No seriously, that is what I have had to do.
At one point I chose that person. On purpose. I loved them. On purpose. I had a child or two with them. On purpose.
I can guess most of you are seeing my pattern.
Every single time I want to lose my shit over an ex. I look at the kids. I did that...ON PURPOSE.
The other thing I realized is that I get just one life. JUST 1.... That sank in hard recently while seeing some of the ones I care about most go through what seems like old hat to me, (though I know it shouldn't).
If you have but one life, do you martyr your happiness if you are sure there is no way ever...and I mean ever to get it back if you stay with your mate...what if you know it is time to move on? Do you stay if you have kids? Can you fall back in love? Can you overcome the urge of loathing you have for your partner...
Yes, I used the word loathing...or boredom, or annoyance.
Seriously, what does it take for a person to leave?
I am not touching on the subject of abuse here. I am not that brave...but in a normal divorce...it is usually just being "done" with your partner.
I have no answers or right and wrongs. I also don't have a God argument. I don't think it matters. What I do know, is as shit hard as it is for the grown ups....the real burden will forever fall hardest on the children. They are not as resilient as people say they are. They do harbor resentment. They will have trouble with trust and question their value. They will remember.
So in closing, there is no point to this blog. It id just something that has been riding along with me in my heart for a couple of weeks now. Peace
Here is my first go at the fancy and terrifying word DIVORCE.
I grew up the first 12 years, 11 months and 24 days of my life with married parents. My life was ideal and bla bla bla bla bla....fast forward to the meat of this.
It was my brother's birthday and I had just played in a winning softball game. My dad and I had just arrived home and my mother and brother were literally waiting on the front porch to see how I had done...there were no cell phones then.
My dad stated in a matter of fact tone that he wanted a divorce. My mother had no clue.
My mother was and still is one of the most saintly of people. She sees the best in everybody. She turns the other cheek over and over again. It is both beautiful and frustrating. I have never again seen anyone so caught off guard.....
Now before I continue with this story I would like to state that both of my parents are happily remarried and in love...and well matched. There was a happy ending, but that in no way could prevent or undo the tragedy of the circumstance....carry on...
(for those of you too young to know that is Ebert and Roeper ( thanks jared(sigh))and they give the outcome of this story 2 thumbs up)
I ran like I had never before or since ran....I ran through the pain of running in cleats on pavement, into blisters, into numbness....I ran until the disbelief wore off and the tears started to come...and when my dad found me and told me to climb into the car, I thought, and maybe even said.
...
"I hate you".
I didn't mean it in my core, but I meant it in the way that traversed hate into betrayal.
I felt betrayed.
But no 12 year old says ..."you betrayed me"...
Well, maybe some do, but I had never felt hate or betrayal before. What I did know is that it hurt. My guts hurt. My breath hurt and my lungs felt deflated. I panted trying to catch a real breath...trying to form thoughts into words...real words, pleading words...
I wanted to speak the right words to fix it...or travel back in time and undo it...really, what ever it took.
So is the mind of any child living in a happy home and watching everything they ever knew dissolve into a milky unknown....with unpredictability, the fog-covered paths that take them forward into uncertainty.
I also grew. I grew a tough outer shell. I grew a strong personal code. I grew a sharp tongue.
I cannot speak for the others that were involved in this situation. I have siblings and they all dealt with this in their own way. And I am certain that each and every one of us grieved and mourned and moved forward. That is what kids do. But I was never fooled. I knew that behind smiles and passive aggressive taunts that siblings share, we all carried a very real hole in our tiny hearts that had been peppered too hot. We had all been burned.
As I grew older, I started to let things go and I realized one very important thing.
Divorce is sort of a blameless crime...seriously. What it is is a practice in accountability.
Kids never ever want to hear that "your mom did this...bla bla bla"...or "if only your dad bla bla bla"...
Strangely, I don't think kids even want to hear "it's not your fault"...at least I never did.
I wanted to hear "I will do everything in my power to make sure this goes as smoothly as possible for you".
Ahh life, I think I block out the next 2 years because they blew. Seriously. They blew hard. And I acted out. I spent a couple rides in a cop car. I broke some shit and snuck out and did all the things that angry misunderstood kids do when they have no idea what to do next. My path was indeed foggy and on steady decline as it were. I made two very large mistakes that could have taken me down all together and escaped by the skin of my teeth. Those 2 things I will never blog about.
But then suddenly I started to realize something quite mature for a 15 year old. At least I think it was quite mature.
I realized that love...maybe it didn't last forever for everyone. I realized that just like me, my mom and dad deserved happiness. Even if it wasn't together.
I also had the realization that leaving and being left were both equally tough when you wanted what was best for your family.
Because guilt is carried on the shoulders of every divorced parent. I know, as I speak from experience.
Fast forward into my own series of bad relationships and shitty endings. I have had to hold my tongue many many times when talking to my children about divorce. I would be lying if it hadn't crossed my mind to throw my ex under the bus. To do what I could to justify my own shortcomings by bringing him down...
Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!
also, it is not a coincidence that that is a jackass
I sort of feel like I am sending out that vibe sometimes to my children and I am disappointed in myself and know I am acting this way because I want (selfishly) for them to identify with me more...to have more in common with me.
Lame.
What I am getting at here is divorce sucks big. Sure it is hard on the parents...but whatever, we are grown ass peoples. We usually understand that we have incorrectly married and maybe even mated. God forbid we possibly ever cared or even loved the person that may have left or been left. Tap into that.
No seriously, that is what I have had to do.
At one point I chose that person. On purpose. I loved them. On purpose. I had a child or two with them. On purpose.
I can guess most of you are seeing my pattern.
Every single time I want to lose my shit over an ex. I look at the kids. I did that...ON PURPOSE.
The other thing I realized is that I get just one life. JUST 1.... That sank in hard recently while seeing some of the ones I care about most go through what seems like old hat to me, (though I know it shouldn't).
If you have but one life, do you martyr your happiness if you are sure there is no way ever...and I mean ever to get it back if you stay with your mate...what if you know it is time to move on? Do you stay if you have kids? Can you fall back in love? Can you overcome the urge of loathing you have for your partner...
Yes, I used the word loathing...or boredom, or annoyance.
Seriously, what does it take for a person to leave?
I am not touching on the subject of abuse here. I am not that brave...but in a normal divorce...it is usually just being "done" with your partner.
I have no answers or right and wrongs. I also don't have a God argument. I don't think it matters. What I do know, is as shit hard as it is for the grown ups....the real burden will forever fall hardest on the children. They are not as resilient as people say they are. They do harbor resentment. They will have trouble with trust and question their value. They will remember.
So in closing, there is no point to this blog. It id just something that has been riding along with me in my heart for a couple of weeks now. Peace
