Objects in the Rearview Mirror

Objects in the Rear view Mirror

Today I ran by Walmart off Barry Road to grab some chips and stuff for the house. Usually I hit up the market, but for what ever reason I went straight when I was supposed to turn onto the highway. I wasn't paying attention.

As I was leaving the parking lot there was a man by an old van with a dog holding a sign that said "Stranded".

I rolled my eyes and thought, "Aren't we all"... And drove past.... But I looked back at him in the rear view mirror. I felt weird. So I drove to Smoothie King  and got a Hulk smoothie and decided to bring it back for him. 

But everything was taking for ever. Traffic was crazy and I missed all the lights and I was certain that he and the dog would be long gone by the time I got back. Which was cool because I love Smoothie King.

He was still there.

So I parked my car by his van (just as beat up and old as he was) and walked over to him. 

So now I am also standing on the side of the road. I am wearing old jeans and a t shirt and I actually have the thought that people may assume I too am begging for money.

But I say hi and ask him his name. 

He shakes my hand and says it is Brian and his dog's name is Amos. Amos has got to be the oldest dog I have ever seen. He was more grey than black, about the size of a large very very hairy goat, and  was super happy to have someone else to pet him.

I tell Brian that I brought a smoothie and that I saw him but acted like I didn't. 
I said I was sorry...to a complete stranger.
He didn't really mind because he said most everyone was like that. Then he tells me I am number 2 for the day. I have no clue at the time what that means.

About then a lady in a navy minivan drove up and one of her kids in the back seat handed Brian 5 bucks. He smiled and said thank you and gave a thumbs up. So I figured as long as I was out there I should talk to him. 

I learned a lot about Brian.

Last night he and Amos slept in Mound Missouri but were on the road before light. They always sleep in the van. He grew up in Michigan and went to the University up there. He has a masters in Psychiatry and worked at the VA hospital in Macomb County and then at Ann Arbor for over 20 years. He is an Army vet. He worked as a counselor for vets who were transitioning from the military or were discharged for different reasons. It took a toll on his physical and mental health and so he, under the advise of another counselor decided to go back to school in New Mexico.
He went into child studies but realized that he was so messed up from all he had listened to in the 20 plus years that he sought help himself. He dropped out of school with out retirement and without a job. 
He bought a van and eventually had to live in it.
That was over 5 years ago. Amos has been with him since Michigan. I listened in shock.
About that time a black shiny new pick-up pulls up next to my SUV. It has an Army sticker in the window.
A kid (about 20ish) hops out and says 
"Hey Brian. Grab your dog and your gas can. We will get your van to the gas station after that and fill it up. You can stay with me for the next few days....or as long as you need."
Brian looks at me and says "he was number 1".
I make a confused face so he says..."The first person to talk to me today".
So the kid smiles at me and Brian gives me a hug and says for at least the 10th time..."this is a really great smoothie Tammy. I once dated a lady named Tammy".

The Thing We Don't Say Out Loud

The Things we Don't Say Out Loud

When I was younger I was really good at speaking my mind. My grasp of political correctness and empathy had yet to become fully established and so I had opinions and thoughts that flew out of my mouth like word vomit, unsullied by the future consequences. Then I started to understand that I was accountable for every word I said. That others remembered them. That words carried weight and regardless of how they were intended they were open for interpretation by every ear they touched. 

So I shut up.

Obviously not completely, but I started to hold my tongue and think more and speak less. Two ears and one mouth for a reason as the saying goes. Here is the problem. The internal dialect never stops. Ever. And sometimes I really needed to say things, but was afraid to. Afraid of what saying something out loud would do to me. To others. So here are a number of things I want to say but don't. (on a side note, I still put my foot in my mouth a lot)

My kids are average. So are yours. Even if they do something awesome...so do all other humans every now and again. I think being average is ok. I don't think being special is actually a title very many deserve. I think telling your kids they are special creates a deluded sense of self worth. I think it would be better if we told them they could do things to help others feel special. That their value as humans goes up when they improve things for others ....in what ever capacity they are able.
I sometimes struggle sitting on the sidelines as they develop...I want to tell them who to be, how not to screw up, who to aspire to become. I forget that every human has the right to chose who they are.

Also...they can't be whatever they want to be. That is a lie and it sets them up for failure. Let them lose. Let them be disappointed. It creates character. It also creates empathy. a child in the center of the universe is only looking at everyone else...not living with them.

(insert angry thought here if you have one)

I hate pinterest. (oh yeah) it is just cheating. but you know I have an account.

There is true greatness in the world.
and it has zero to do with cars or houses...jobs, money or even personal accomplishments. I have been privy to watching greatness through prayer and faith creating true and real hope in a hopeless situation. I have been privy to witnessing greatness in strangers on a street corner as they gathered together to take a stand for a common goal...everywhere I turn greatness is abundant, even in the darkest shadows. It has never had anything to do with a single person. I think that is the key to greatness....I could be wrong, but I am starting to believe that to become part of something great you must become selfless.

I think many things that are frowned upon are ok in moderation. Including smoking, drinking, and red meat. But not soda. I think it is bad in every way. Really. (snicker) Small notes of pleasure are wonderful. But moderation is super super tough....it does lend a hand to keeping vices at bay for me.

I have body issues. I think most women do. I think we compare ourselves to each other all the time. I know we do. We also judge each other....even when we say we don't. I don't know if this will ever change. I glare at my thighs when I sit down and they squish out. I use anti-cellulite cream and whiten my teeth...sometimes I use padded bras. I have cellulite still and my personal habits keep my teeth from being as white as I want them to be. I am just SOL on the boobs. This will be an ongoing battle.
I skate with an awesome gal who referred to her stretched out stomach (post children) as her skin fanny pack....I love that. She is a better skater than me in every way...faster, stronger...her body works amazingly.
Wrapping my mind around the fact that the function of my body is not linked to its aesthetic is difficult for me...and most. Strangely, the mind and heart have nothing to do with the body and in my personal experience those of sound mind and heart have less body issues. I guess I will keep working on that.

I no longer love Gwyneth Paltrow. this upsets me greatly.

I am terrified of the suburbs...and then I moved there. My kids have neighbors who got on the bus with them this morning. They love it. I will reevaluate this thought in the near future, but for now I will continue to closet smoke my morning cigarette behind a bush so I don't get caught.

Self help books are lame. They teach people how to forget they have common sense. There are very few circumstances where people actually need an entire book to help them do something. For the most part, we all just like for people to give us answers so we don't have to come up with them ourselves. Maybe there is amazing insight in these things...I am sure there are benefits in them that I cannot grasp.  

I believe people are innately good. I know there are examples of this being false, however...as a whole, I believe we are good...somewhere in that core. We Are Good. 
I quit watching and reading the news about 6 months ago. This was the best thing I have ever done for my psyche and state of mind. I am completely disconnected. I have no idea what is going on in the world or politics or anything else. I am okay with that. I have Facebook and Humans of New York to give me trending titles and political insight...bwahahahahah.
But seriously...I was tired of hearing and seeing all of the horror that is portrayed in the media....most of it just smut and glorified hatred caused by a single human or circumstance.
I know it sounds like I am burying my head in the sand but if you are still reading, bear with me.

When one or a few humans do something terrible and we put them on the front page of every Internet news source and on the headline of every talk show...we GIVE THEM POWER. We give badness power. We give hate power. We live more strongly in the presence of fear and we lose hope in humanity. Eff that. We need more rainbows and unicorns. We need more hand holding and long chats with those we care about. I needed to unplug and reconnect. I think a lot of us do so we can see humanity for the beauty it is, not the ugliness we see in few. There is more good (much more good) in people than bad. I believe that whole hearted. Take the power and attention away from the few that destroy us and invest it in the good being done by so many. No...I have no clue how to make this happen, but what if we just all said "enough"...
There are things in the world that cannot be ignored. Atrocities that are beyond reason. But prime time coverage on the bigass new channels are not solving problem or finding solutions. They are fear mongering. And for this they do not deserve us.
There are real life humans with helpful ideas and solutions. There are really smart people out there with innovative and pro-humanity ideas out there. Give them the coverage. 
I know shit happens...but do I really need to hear graphic details of the horrible things some human are capable of on every news channel?..in line at the coffee house? while in the locker room at the gym? Do I enhance my life and those around me for being privy to the crap being broadcast as news?
Garbage in and garbage out. I will now try to reduce my waste.

I have too much shit. While moving I realized that I had accumulated a lot of crap that I didn't need. Like so much stuff. Why? It wasn't contributing to my happiness. I didn't need to for any purpose. I want to simplify, and yet I find it difficult in today's lifestyle. 
So I just started loading up things and dropping them off at Goodwill. Lots of things. I have a long way to go. 

I am on a spiritual journey so I took my kids to church.

And no, this is not a plea to be saved. 
I have struggled with my faith or lack of my whole life. I think that is totally ok...Seriously.
I call it a journey because I am actively seeking spirituality in my life. I always have been. I have floated between every church and religion you can think of. I have taken much away from all of them. I don't believe there is only one way. I tell my kids that. I tell them to seek it out for themselves. To listen. To observe. To question. I think faith makes people stronger. I think it can be honed and developed through out a person's entire life. 
I was raised Catholic but rejected confirmation at 15. I did this for one reason only. I was not comfortable defining my faith at that time. 
Who was I to know what I believed at that age. I think some people do. But I didn't.
Now about that church thing.
Last week for the first time in years I actively brought my children to a non-denominational church. They loved it (except Gogo because he ran out of things to destroy). They went to children's church with kids their same age. It was fun for them. They came home with ideas and new questions about themselves.
I think that was a good thing. I will do it again.
I have a daughter who actively seeks biblical teachings. Man oh man, she can be strong willed. That is good. I have a son who wrote a recent book report on Buddhism. He questions everything and anything. He reads Stephen Hawking. He wonders about creation in the cosmos. That is good.   
When asked where we go when we die. I say I don't know yet, I am still here, but I think it could be some place good. What do you think.
Some believe you should be strong in a faith to teach your children to be strong in that faith. I am not one of those people. We have told all of our children that if they find a church they want to attend, we will take them at least once to see what they think. We will never prohibit their right to faith or religion of choice.
There has been mentioned concern for my immortal soul. To that I say, all thoughts and prayers are welcome. 
But in all seriousness, what I want to rub off on my children is that I am willing to continue to grow. That I want to never become stagnant. That maybe there is not just one truth for all of us.

and finally, I have a bone to pick with parents.
Teach Manners and Respect by having Manners and Respect.

Manners are not out of style....ever. And I am talking about more than please and thank you and yes sir an no sir...ect....
There was a point a couple years back where I ripped my sons phone out of his hands and threw it out the front door. He was terrified and my husband was already calculating the cost before it was recovered. (not my finest moment)
He was on his phone texting while speaking with a human, and I had had enough. I had to get his attention. I did it the wrong way. I said I was sorry. But the problem wasn't just his.

It was mine. 

While at the store, my check out gal was texting instead of greeting me. She was in her 30's. Kids emulate what they see.
WE expect kids to know how to behave, but we aren't showing them. We expect kids to respect us, but we don't respect them. 
And yes, I am being serious. 
You must respect a person to earn their respect...it is  gift given to you. You must help them to grow into a well engaged member of society. You must help them to be gracious and humble....by being that way too.
I struggle a lot with understanding tiny humans. They are weird. They like to do weird things. They aren't quite capable of doing it all on their own and so I have to help them.
But I respect my kids. I respect their growing identity. I respect their desire for independence. They emulate me and my husband. Both good and bad. 
We are working on the cussing issue....all of us.
I hear parents speak hatefully to their children and I am confused. Why do you talk that way? Don't you realize you lose credit in her eyes every time you act like that. She knows that is not how you are supposed to treat people. She has been told that over and over by others...at school, in church, probably by you. She gets in trouble when she talks that way. 
I want to hold myself to the same standards that I hold my kids too. They deserve that.
I want to adjust how I view parenting. I want to earn the right to parent my kids. I want them to be proud of me. I want them to respect me because they have faith and trust in me, not because I am bigger than them and tell them too.
I wish nothing more than for my children to be happy, healthy contributing members of society. I want them to be my friends when they get older.
Now, don't get me wrong. When any of my kids is acting out of line or disrespectful, I let them know so. We all need to be reminded every now and again. WE ALL DO.

So as I get off my soap box and close out my post here, I want to say one more thing.

I want to be a better person. I want to consciously become a better person everyday. I want that to be my life goal. ..
To live up to my potential.

As always, thanks for reading....and my next post will totally be a top 10 if you haven't decided to flush my blog off your feed altogether!